February 14th.

I have never experienced such a depressing day in my life. It was not because of the lack of a valentine or anything of that sort. Instead, it was the sad, pitiful status updates on Facebook written by single girls saying "I hate today" or "Wow, this day sucks". The truthful longing, whether it be for attention or because of actual sadness, wore me down and I decided to log off early and write this blog. 

I shopped at Crossroads Thrift Store yesterday and realized something quite funny in our society. I will not comment of the "Why can't we celebrate Valentine's Day every day" or "it's just a Hallmark holiday" mentalities of our culture, but I do want to point something else out. 

If you have ever stopped to think about what Necco Conversation Hearts entail, it is quite interesting. The phrases , including, "Be Mine" or "Call Me" make people seem altogether desperate and needy. Think about it, we receive these little boxes of joy starting in the first grade on the Valentine exchange days. We read the phrases aloud being all excited when we get to the saying we are most wanting to receive (at least girls do). In Crossroads, they had a "Heart Search" for a 10% off coupon. After finding an "All Star" heart, I was thrilled. 

Gary Chapman talks about the Five love languages of relationships, and words of affirmation is one of them. What is funny about this though, is a box of sweet sayings just cannot fill any empty hole we need filled in our lives. Sadly, these sayings are not words of truth and complete encouragement, but the temporary bit of happiness they give some on Valentine's Day is something to be confused by. These sayings that are supposed to make us feel joyful in spirit, are thrown around all the time now- where is the validity?

Where does true hope, affirmation, and love come from? 

Love that uplifts and motivates are words of wisdom. Unfortunately, those little Conversation Hearts weren't my saving grace this year, but instead it is something that has been with me for a while. All of us can find valid words of affirmation through Him. These are eternal words, not only a box of candy that comes out once a year.

Oh goodness, let the depressing status updates stop. February 14th is a day to be grateful: of those that love you and you love. 

A Heart for Him

I decided to take a run today. And, believe me, I had not run in a while. But today it was beautiful. My favorite weather: partly cloudy, about 65 degrees and wet pavement. Yes, I am a weird one. So, as I was running, the sun came out and I started to think. 

These four years of high school have been filled with hardships, blessings, new experiences, and reflections. Through all of these I believe I have gained what I have called a hardened-heart syndrome. It is not that I am angry, shallow, or harsh, but instead an attitude of stability and closure. And, now I want that to change. 

I am desperate for a heart of peace, respect, openness and truth. I do not know why the song "Call to Arms" made me feel this way, but it surely did. I feel that my remaining time in high school needs to be spent loving people and loving the lord. I want to begin to strip away the overpowering precedent I have placed on myself, and give it up to him. I am a leader, I am a speaker, I am a dancer, I am a ...follower?

It is missing something. In the rough times speaking in front of a group of people, commissioning an event, or dancing on the dance team will not get me anywhere. It will not let me have that open heart I am striving for. 

Instead, I want to Lead people to the Lord, Speak His words of truth, and Dance as a form of praise for him. This junior year has been a year of transition to say the least. Every emotion possible, it seems, has been placed into these seven months. Yet, I do not feel tired. I feel empowered by the love he has shown he. 

I have been able to chip away at the walls of fear,  anxiety, and confusion that cover my heart and have been for a while. The worries are still present and they will always be there. But, amazingly, they are beginning to take up a smaller amount of brain-space and I am focused on other things. I want to break down the image that I have been attempting to build up these years-there is no eternal worth to it, and seek worthy things. As I have stated before, this year has been a year when I have been able to truly define my passions, and it has made this year a little bit easier. 

So, I am asking for a challenge. I want Him to help me transform my heart as He has done with my life. As I walk onto the school campus, I will express a vulnerable heart, open to new experiences, possibilities, and friendships. At the same time, I will stay strong for the Lord. This goal will probably stretch me to a place I did not know I could go. But, hey why not try?

As the sun is beginning to break through on this Valentine's Day, let it melt any icy hard surface I have placed on my heart. Let it instead fill with Your love and guidance. 

My Dash is Not Mine

My dad is one of my best friends. We seem to share the same hopes, dreams, and aspirations. One of our favorite things to do is visit colleges all around California just "for fun". My favorite part of these long drives is just being able to sit and talk openly to someone about what I want to see for my life.

Whenever we pull up to a school, we immediately begin to analyze the positives and negatives of each facet of the school. And, 20 schools later, we choose a school that should be on the top list of schools that I should apply to. I have wondered for a while now, why it is that I am so fascinated with the idea of college. Possibly it is because it is something new, exciting, or a dream I have had for a while. 

My dad and I decided to visit a school in North Carolina, High Point University, over this last summer. I had heard amazing things about this school: great communication school, awesome athletics, and well-known grad-schools around the state. The president of the school, Nido Quebein, has been one of my father's closest friends for a while now, because they are a part of Speakers Roundtable. I was so ready to see the school that was supposed to be the school of my dreams. But, I knew I had to look at this school in a different light. I would be across the country, in a different culture, and a different path than I had originally intended, if I decided to attend there. 

The second I walked on campus, I was taken aback. I have been praying to God for him to lead the way for me this last year and a half of highschool, and I am beginning to see his work.

The direction he is pushing me way I would have believed I would go if you had asked me a year ago. For me it seems that God's plan is ever changing with whatever I encounter, but I beginning to realize how big the plan actually is. 

I speak of the concept of a "dash" in a speech I do in Speech and Debate. The dash symbolizes the dash you see on a tombstone: between the year you were born and the year God takes you home. People ask me why I am in fact so passionate about this topic. It truly is because I see that the dash I am living is not for me whatsoever. With that perspective comes more responsibility, but at the same time, a sense of strong relief. 

In this sense responsibility does not have a negative connotation: not a hassle or a burden. God has done most of the work for us through his love. Now, it is our turn to relay that to the world. 

So, this is where the university comes in. Nido Quebein's faithfulness is contagious. As one walks onto the campus you feel that it is a blessed place. The students are happy, the colors are bright, the faculty is supportive. The first girl I met on campus taught me something special. With a Bible in one hand and her book-bag in the other she said, "I never let academics weigh me down," as she showed the two items in a "scale-like" fashion. She is becoming a theology major at HPU after being accepted to Yale, Smith and Brown. Wow. She saw something special in the school, and so do I.

God's Plan is so much bigger than mine. It may be vastly different too. So every day I try to align them as best as possible. Only God knows if HPU is where I will end up, if that is a part of my dash.

God is the engraver of the dash. And I feel that he wants mine to be one of significance. Lord, keep me strong as I search for a school. Let it only be the exact fit to the mold you have created for me. 

Can You Fake Passion?

I am tired. And, that probably is an understatement. After a day of being quadruple entered in crazy mind-wearing events, I still feel the need to blog about this, even though it is one o'clock in the morning- I am afraid the tiredness will cause it to wear off by morning time. 

As the team was waiting in the seating area of Olive Garden (for quite the long time for that matter) the captain of our team asked me a question. "Alexa, do you think you can fake passion?" Allen is always asking intelligent questions. This question though we both did not know the answer to. He told me to ask him in a few years. "Maybe by then I will have the answer," he said.

Looking at my own life, there is a lot of adversity I have encountered. I can say that passion originates in the roughest of times. When we are at our lowest of lows, we begin to discover what is important to us, and what we will achieve. Discouragement and obstacles only catapults us into the mentality of urgency to begin to live for something. We search to find what we will hold on to, to leave a legacy and live a life of significance. And this, is where passion comes in. Passion is not a concern of the mind or of goals. Passion is a matter of the heart. What do we dream about? What makes us smile? What makes us cry?

My passion in life can not be misunderstood, and I want it to be known. I want to leave a life of significance: one that serves the lord faithfully, and lets others see his greatness through me and through their own experiences. Now, the question comes into play: how can I fake that?